


Unhappy Reunion

by ladypeter



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Gen, Romance, relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-22
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-02-26 13:48:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2654258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladypeter/pseuds/ladypeter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leia and Han are reunited after an absence, but sometimes being together is harder than being apart. How will Leia deal with the transition? Set 2-3 months after the Battle of Endor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Note: Many thanks to those who provided feedback for this story: Push, AnnaFan, and FettsOnTop.

Chapter 1: Prologue

It is approximately two months after the Battle of Endor. The Alliance to Restore the Republic has become the Alliance of Free Planets, and is fast on its way to becoming the New Republic. Bringing new worlds into the fold is the major goal of the Alliance. Diplomatic activity is at an all-time high and representatives are being recruited from all arms of the service to bring terms of membership to systems across the galaxy. Leia Organa has just returned with Mon Mothma from a disastrous mission to Herdessa, where Leia's harassment by militant locals turned out to be the least of the Alliance's problems. Han and Chewie are en route back from a mission to Zhota 3 which ended in a stalemate, but led to Han going on a subsequent trip to Seoul 5, long believed destroyed. Due to their conflicting schedules and the vagaries of intergalactic communications, Han and Leia have not seen or spoken to each other in 6 weeks.*

19741977198019831993199720002013--19741977198019831993199720002013

The night that Leia and Mon Mothma arrived back at the fleet, she slept, but not well. The entire night was a jumble of unpleasant dreams that went on and on until one was enough to push her awake early in the morning.

_She and Han and Luke have been captured by slavers. they are going over and over how they can escape. They can't agree whether to try and free all the other captives, too, or just themselves. Han says, "if you could stop thinking of yourself for a minute..." and she tries to explain that she's not thinking of herself, that she's trying so hard. Then Luke says, "really, after leading me on all that time you'd think you'd have learned your lesson." And that strikes her dumb. Then Vader appears and Leia knows that he's going to pick one of them to execute right now. The dream ends with her agonizing over who he'll pick and whether there's anything she can do about it._

_She and Luke are talking and she's trying to explain to him how how she feels about Han, but he just keeps dismissing her. Everything she says comes out sounding silly and girlish. Then in an instant the two of them are at Vader's pyre on Endor, and Luke wants her to say goodbye before he sets it alight. But she won't, and Luke keeps pushing the torch at her, and it's starting to burn out, and she has to do it now, now._

_Finally, she and Han are making love, only they're in the council chamber on Home One. She's terrified that someone will come in, but Han is completely oblivious. Over and over she hears the door opening, only no one ever comes in. And then the entire council is seated at the table around them, discussing food shortages in the fleet and giving them disapproving glances. Han is still vigorously making love to her. Leia is burning with shame._

She woke up clutching the sheet to her and already scrambling off the bed to hide herself. Her disorientation was so great that it took her a full 60 seconds to really wake up and understand where she was. She'd had experiences like this before, always during periods of great stress, and she hated it every time.

She slowly got back into bed and tried to calm her breathing. Her first thought was of the way she'd awoken the first few mornings after Han had left for Zhotta 3. She'd known where she was that time, but she'd been unsettled to turn over and find the bed empty. It had only been a little while since Han had begun sleeping here most nights, but already there was such a thing as "Han's side of the bed." Leia realized that without even noticing, she'd begun to ease herself over there when she couldn't sleep at night, and first thing in the morning before she was even really awake. Han's warm bulk beside her was the first thing she really missed about him. But as those first days went on, the list got longer and longer.

There were some things Leia had known she would miss, of course: seeing his face every day, kissing that face whenever she pleased. She'd known that she'd miss making love with him and laughing with him and being held in the middle of the night. But she didn't expect to miss waking up next to him, or his surprisingly good advice. She didn't expect to miss the feeling of his arm in hers as they walked together, his skin and muscle feeling so concrete and reassuring under her hand. Leia hadn't known that she'd miss feeling that sweet ache low in her belly after a particularly wild night, but she did. She missed going through her day feeling as if had a secret, loving that all day long she'd feel him.

For those first three days, the list of things she missed about Han kept piling up until it was overwhelming. She found herself crying herself to sleep each night. Leia had never felt this way before: absolutely bereft in the absence of a lover. She was terrified to think that her happiness might rest solely on one other being. So on the fourth night after Han left for Zhotta 3, which was also the night before she left for Herdessa, Leia had a stern talk with herself. Buck up, she said. You lived without him for twenty years, and you can live without him now for twenty days. What are you, some helpless little girl who can't do anything without a man beside her? Is that how you were raised? Is that how you expect to serve the people of this galaxy? Han left because he was needed elsewhere, and he'll be back soon enough to warm your little bed and comfort you. Until then, be a godsdamn woman. Straighten your back, drop your shoulders, and do what you're here to do: found a government.

It worked. By now, six weeks later, when she woke from those terrible dreams, she didn't expect to see Han next to her in bed. She didn't even wish that he was there to hold her. She was used to single life again. Han would be back in about a week, and she honestly couldn't seem to feel anything about it one way or the other. She supposed that as the time came closer she'd start to feel more excited, but for now, she was coasting along in a mode she'd perfected in the years after Yavin. One part solitude, two parts hard work, and a dash of friends on the side. There simply wasn't room for anything more.

She had at least five more days to figure out what to do about Han, and until then there was an increasingly dire refugee problem that the Provisional Council had vowed to address. Leia decided to devote all of her attention to those beings who had managed to escape imperial worlds in the aftermath of the battle of Endor, only to find themselves with nowhere to go.

Having calmed herself just enough to function, Leia got out of bed and headed for the 'fresher to get ready for another day.

19741977198019831993199720002013--19741977198019831993199720002013

Leia's office on Home One was on a side corridor close to the Council chamber. she tried to keep it neat, but even with Threepio's help, it always seemed that new data pads were being spawned overnight and left on the desk. The situation was even worse upon returning from a trip. She was just examining a pad she was sure hadn't been there before she left when her fellow councilwoman, Doman Berus, poked her head in the door. "Good morning, Leia, and welcome back. Am I bothering you?"

"Not at all Doman: good morning. Come sit down. Have you had your morning caf yet?" Leia was glad to see Berus this morning: the Corellian representative was a comrade on the Council and a good woman. She always spoke sense, and usually shared Leia's outlook on issues before the Council, even if they didn't always agree on the best course of action.

"I can't stay, but I wanted to tell you that I stopped into Fleet Control on my way over here, and I overheard word given that the Falcon is expected to join the fleet and dock here by the end of the day."

"Oh my goodness!"

"Yes, I thought you'd said they weren't expected for another few days."

"No: Han and Chewie weren't supposed to be back until the end of the week at least." This wasn't what Leia was expecting to hear from Berus, but she was grateful to be given the heads-up by someone friendly: she was more surprised and discomfited than excited to hear this news. In a moment, though, the tone of Berus' conversation took a turn for the worse.

"Well, smile, dear! You're going to see your- now just what do you call him these days?" Leia felt the edges of a trap beginning to close around her. She had no idea what Berus was up to, but it wasn't good.

"Usually "Han," but "General Solo" for formal use."

"You are funny, Leia, but really-you know that labels matter. Is he your gentleman friend? Your lover? Your consort?"

So that's what this was. Leia had gotten versions of this question several times by now. (in fact, it had begun in a seminal form with her debrief after the Bespin debacle.) Some members of the High Council were scandalized that the Princess of Alderaan was engaged in a frankly sexual affair while making no attempt at secrecy. Others might have accepted her having a relationship, as long as she'd chosen a partner who was a bit more appropriate. Some of these people just glared, some approached her out of a seeming concern for her wellbeing, and some had openly criticized her. Finally, there was a minority of her peers and mentors who either didn't care how she conducted her love life, or were genuinely happy for her. She had counted Doman Berus among those until this moment. By now, at least, Leia felt slightly more comfortable facing these inquiries, even if she didn't have a definitive response to them. "I think boyfriend will have to do for now, or lover, if you want to be awfully grown-up about it."

"So... consort is off the table?" Now this was becoming the most aggressive level of inquiry that she'd experienced yet. Leia rose from her desk to meet her interrogation. "That's a term that's only used when a couple is married, as I'm sure you know. Not to mention the difficulty of assigning titles to members of an extinct royal family."

"Not extinct, Leia: there's you. And your-fiancee?"

"What exactly are you digging for, Doman?"

"I'm trying to ascertain the status of your current relationship."

Something about this was all wrong. "Just where does this interest come from? And just what right do you claim to it?"

"I claim the right of a woman representing the Corellian system in this fledgling republic. Your "boyfriend" is about to become one of the most famous Corellians in the galaxy. And I want to know whether he's also going to become the Prince Consort of Alderaan. I’ve got a feeling it would have an impact."

Could this really be what this was all about? Leia allowed herself to be distracted by a group of aides chattering in the hallway and gathered her thoughts. Would it really have galactic impact if she and Han got married? It could, but it would all depend on what kind of government emerged, and on what role they each would take in that government, if any. It also would depend on how galactic culture might change. Would being a "hero of the Rebellion" mean anything in ten years? Would being a Princess of Alderaan? No one knew. But Doman Berus seemed to think that it was important to her own role to have a handle on Han and Leia's future. The problem was, Han and Leia themselves didn't know what that was. All they'd been able to nail down concretely was their love for each other and their commitment to making their relationship work, in whatever form it took.

What was more, Leia felt a distinct intrusion on her privacy. She couldn't say for sure that Berus was out of line here, but it certainly felt wrong. "I cannot speak to that with you. This is a personal matter and not one I'm ready to discuss with anyone on the Provisional Council."

"But you've lived your entire life in the public sphere. You must know that your choice of mate has public importance."

"Perhaps it will and perhaps it won't, but in either case Han has not lived his life in public. I won't say a word about this until I've consulted with him."

"I'm surprised to hear that you haven't discussed it yet." That one stung. Now Berus just seemed to be baiting her. Leia decided to pretend she hadn't heard.

"And then, if we agree to make any statement, it will be public-not behind closed doors. Either no one has this information, or everyone does. I don't know what strategic advantage you could possibly gain from this information, but I'm not going to play any games."

"No games, Leia. I'm just an interested party. I look forward to hearing just what Solo is to you-along with everyone else." And with that, Berus departed, leaving Leia in a cloud of doubt and anxiety.

19741977198019831993199720002013--19741977198019831993199720002013

Leia walked down a main passageway on Home One, the steam trailing from her ears faintly visible to passers by. She was on her way to meet Luke for lunch, still ruminating on her encounter with Doman Berus. The absolute gall of the woman! Leia hated this: feeling robbed of her own most profound experiences. Most of the time she accepted that her own life didn't belong to her, but at times like this she felt a deep resentment. There were some things so precious that she wanted to keep them just for herself. And at times it felt like the whole world was trying to take them away.

This wasn't new, and it wasn't going to end soon. Shortly after the Bakura mission Leia and Han had begun to get glances askance and one or two very pointed questions about their intentions, but it was easy then to plead that it was just too soon after Han's rescue and the Battle of Endor to make any decisions. But now, Doman Berus actually had a sliver of a point in her argument. Leia and Han couldn't go on forever without defining their relationship. They'd have to make some kind of statement, either directly or through a representative, that gave some kind of clarity. Maybe the people she served did deserve that.

What was worse, she didn't feel right about Han's return. She had thought she'd have more time to prepare for his arrival: she needed to get herself into the right mindset in order to welcome him back, and now there was this. Not only was he arriving early, but it seemed they were going to face a new round of heat about their relationship too.

And to top it all off, now she had to face lunch with her brother: he'd be sure to sense her agitation and want to talk about it. Leia usually drew comfort from confiding in Luke, but she didn't feel like it today. Or, in fact, like discussing anything else Luke might want to talk about. With everything else going on, Leia had managed to push the truth about her biological father to the back of her consciousness. Accepting Luke as her twin was the only part of the whole thing that felt right. And since considering him her brother was a very natural extension of their relationship, it was relatively easy to isolate that one fact from the rest of the reality. But Luke did have a way of pushing it sometimes. Leia dearly hoped that today wouldn't be one of those days.

19741977198019831993199720002013--19741977198019831993199720002013

Luke had already been waiting for several minutes when he saw Leia walk into the mess hall. It was unusual for her to not comm' him and let him know she was running late: as he watched her approach, he wondered what had caused her lapse, and also about the tension that was rippling out from her in the Force. She did at least manage a real smile when she reached him. "Hi. I'm so sorry I'm late: I don't even have a good excuse."

 

"No problem. Did you hear, though?" He offered Leia his arm as if he was escorting her to a formal banquet instead of through a grub line. As he'd hoped, it kept her smiling as she took his arm and walked with him.

"About Han and Chewie comm'ing in this morning? Yes, Doman Berus told me. They're supposed to dock any time now, right?"

"Right. But how did Doman Berus know about it?"

"Oh, apparently she just happened to be over at fleet control this morning, so she stopped in just to be friendly and let me know, only then she interrogated me." As she spoke, Luke had a feeling he was getting close to the source of Leia's tension.

"About what?"

"Oh, about my 'relationship' and how it is to be officially designated. Wait - there are too many people around. Let's get through the line and I'll tell you the rest when we sit down."

Luke did his best to hold his peace until he'd taken his first bite of lunch, but he hadn't quite managed to swallow it before starting in again. "I just don't get it. Why does anyone care about what you and Han do? It's your lives."

Leia answered as she disassembled her lunch, a savory wrap that she was consuming one tiny morsel at a time. "Well, it isn’t, not really. As a public servant, my personal decisions have significance beyond just me. And being a member of one of the noble houses means that your life is always on display. And as Berus pointed out, Han is most likely going to be a public figure as well. Our personal decisions are going to make a difference in the galaxy, at least on some level."

"I know that you two love each other. So... why don't you just get married?"

"We do love each other Luke, and I want to spend the rest of my life with Han, I really do, but I'm just not ready to get married. The whole world is moving too fast. I think Han would do it just to make me happy, but I don't think he's ready either. And maybe everyone expects us to get married or just end it, but neither of those things is right for us. I don't know why that's so hard for people to accept."

"I get what you're saying about the world moving so fast, Leia. It seems like we wake up every morning to a new galaxy. And we all forget how new your relationship with Han really is. The betting pools on Hoth were what now, a year and a half ago? But it's really been more like three months. You deserve a little breathing room. Well, really you deserve to be left alone about it, but let's not get greedy."

"Thank you, Luke. It feels so good just to hear someone say that. I don't know what I'd do without you." Luke wondered what people would think if anyone noticed Leia putting her hand over his. Would it be worse for people to think that they were sleeping together, or to guess the truth? He had a feeling Leia might have a different opinion than him on that score.

"Of course, Leia. I'm sorry if I'm slow on the pickup with this stuff sometimes: its not really my area of expertise. Is all this why you don't seem happy to see Han today?"

And just like that, Leia's hand drew back. "Is that what you think you're feeling from me?" The sudden fear in her eyes, and the image of Han that came from her through the Force, rare in its strength and specificity, gave Luke some much-needed insight. This was less about Doman Berus than it was about Han--and Leia didn't feel as much confidence in navigating matters of the heart as she did matters of galactic diplomacy.

"Mostly I feel your anxiety and your stress. But I know you. I know how you are when you're expecting to see Han again, and this isn't it. I think I even used to see it before the Hoth evacuation. You just kept a really tight lid on it."

"Oh yes? And how do I act?"

"Your voice gets a little higher, you’re kind of jittery. You act almost giddy."

"No, Luke, absolutely not. There's no way." Much to Luke's relief, Leia's smile was peeking out again.

"Oh, you can deny it, and you'd keep it under wraps for sure, but the closest to giddy I've ever seen you is when the Falcon is going to be coming out of hyper any minute." _And it used to drive me crazy_ , was the part he failed to add.

No, this wasn't Leia's usual behavior, but there was something similar, he realized. She wasn't giddy, but she was jittery. Every few minutes she'd look around, as if checking to see if they might be overheard. Luke saw Wedge approaching and subtly waved him off. It was obvious Leia wouldn't welcome the company, and she was so preoccupied with alternately scanning the room for eavesdroppers and staring at her plate that she missed their friend appearing in her blind spot.

"I don't know what I can say to dissuade you, but things are perfectly normal. Han and I are fine. How could anything be wrong? We haven't seen each other to have an argument in almost two months."

"Maybe that's part of the problem."

"OK, Jedi master, that's enough wisdom from you for one meal. I've got to go to a meeting about provisions for refugee camps. If the Falcon comes in later I'm sure I'll see you."

"'Bye, Leia." Luke was left feeling that Leia was dodging something. If she didn't want to discuss it with him, fine, but he hoped that she was being more truthful with herself than she was being with him.

* These plot points are pulled from the Marvel Comics published immediately after ROTJ.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

_Many thanks to Annafan and FettsOnTop for Beta reading._

That evening in the mess hall, as she sat surrounded by friends with Han close by her side again, Leia knew she should be feeling, as Luke said, giddy. But she couldn’t keep her attention on the conversation, unable to ignore the worried thoughts collecting in her mind. _What’s wrong with me?_ She just couldn't figure it out: two months ago, she'd been walking on air, laughing at the audacity of her own happiness. She'd been so in love she was dizzy with it. Now she felt empty. Han was back again, larger than life, and she was supposed to be thrilled, but she just didn't know what to do with him.

That afternoon the Falcon had bumped down onto the deck of Home One with a lack of finesse that had made Luke chuckle, “he must be impatient to see someone.” He’d said it with a smile, but Leia was in no mood to be kidded. She stood with hands clasped, concentrating on smiling and thinking happy thoughts. And then Han had stepped off the Falcon, swept her into his arms, and given her the kind of kiss she had been pining for in those first days after he left.

But she'd forgotten how much bigger than her he was, and she felt trapped, not embraced. She'd forgotten how aggressive his affection could be, and she felt devoured, not kissed. Even stranger, he didn't smell right: he'd used a different laundry soap, or the Falcon's air scrubbers had been off calibration. It was all deeply disconcerting. The worst part was that he didn't even seem to notice how she felt: he just tucked her under his arm like an oversized parcel and marched off with her, going on about the run in and how he'd shaved 15 hours off the standard time. What she wouldn't give to have those 15 hours now, time to gather herself together and prepare for this frontal assault of Han-ness. She clearly needed to do some kind of mental work in order to welcome this man she'd been mad for not very long ago.

Han had seemed to want to go directly to bed with her, but Leia had reminded him that other people had missed him, too, so here they were at this impromptu dinner party. Luke was almost jumping up and down in his excitement to tell Han how well the mods they'd made to his X-wing were working. Wedge was filling him in on recent fleet movements, and Tycho told everyone about a message he'd received from Winter the day before. Gods, how Leia missed her, but she was gathering intelligence under her Targeter identity, and was almost completely dark.

Han's hand landed on her thigh under the table, coaxing and possessive. It clearly sent the message "I can't wait to get you alone." It was awful, but Leia felt nothing but a mild panic at the thought. _I can't do this. I just can't._

Where was this voice coming from and what did it mean? She decided that the best policy was to just ignore the voice and brazen it out. She was sure to calm down as soon as she was alone with Han. When this dinner was over, they'd go to her stateroom and make love, and she fervently hoped that things would just work themselves out then.

She kept on hoping that as they made their way down the hallways toward her quarters, Han making silly innuendoes and her rolling her eyes and laughing in the most natural way she could muster. She thought she was doing pretty well  by the time they reached her bedroom: she felt some actual enthusiasm for kissing him, and even stroked his increasing erection before helping him undress. She felt the first stirrings of desire and figured: in for a cred, in for a million.

I can make this work, she thought, we're going to be fine. But that was before they lay down together. When she found herself naked and face-to-face with Han, it seemed as if it had happened all at once, and she wasn't as ready for this as she'd thought she was. But, well, in for a cred, in for a million, right?

19741977198019831993199720002013--19741977198019831993199720002013

As Home One entered her prescribed night cycle and the third shift came on duty, Han Solo was finally right where he wanted to be. He suppressed a groan of relief as he joined himself with Leia. _This is what makes it all worth it._ Sure, it felt good to contribute, see that you were making the world better and not worse. But some time ago Han had realized that he only really cared about himself and the few people he was closest to. It was just his bad luck that he'd fallen in with such a dangerous crowd. Now he was stuck running around the galaxy Doing Good.

But this, this moment, with this woman, was what had been keeping him going for weeks now. Thoughts of Leia had kept him going through each day and gotten him to sleep at night. And every time he imagined being inside her, it was a little different, just as in real life. Sometimes she'd take him into herself and close her eyes with a gasp or a pleased little smile. Other times, she would hold his gaze as her eyes grew wide. Whatever particular expression she wore, though, the message was always the same: she loved how he felt, she loved him, and there was nowhere else in the galaxy that she'd rather be than here with him. The physical sensation of entering her was incredible, yes. But while he was away, what Han missed most was the way Leia looked when they came together.

So at this moment that he had been waiting for, when he finally found himself inside her, just one look at her face told him that something was badly wrong. She had gasped, yes, but her eyes weren't shut, nor were they looking into his. She was gazing toward the ceiling, and her breaths were heavy, but definitely not excited. What was going on here? How had he misread her so thoroughly? It was suddenly as obvious as the nose on her face that she had much better things to be doing right now than suffer his oafish advances. Now he was remembering other things: the tension in her limbs, her minute flinch when he'd entered her. There was a sinking feeling in his stomach, one that was echoed a bit further south.

"Are you into this at all right now?" Her eyes flicked to his and then quickly back to the ceiling.

"What are you talking about? I've had a long day and I'm tired, that's all. But I'm here, OK?" With this, Leia's hands settled on his back in what might have been meant as an encouraging gesture. Instead it felt like two dead fish had landed on him.

"That's not exactly the sole criteria."

"Criterion."

"Seriously?! I'm back after almost two months apart and all you want to do is correct my Basic?" By now they were both sitting up.

"Han, you're overreacting. I don't know what's got you so angry, but I suggest you get over it before I get angry too." And now she was beginning to cover herself with the sheet. The thought that she didn't even want him to see her made his gut twist into knots.

"Don't pretend that I'm imagining this: I'm wise to that game. What's going on with you? You don't seem like yourself."

"Why, because I'm not desperate to have you inside me?" Her look was so venomous that he was on his feet with his fists balled up at his sides before he even knew it.

"For fuck's sake, no, but while we're on the topic, sure, why not get it all out on the table? The woman I left couldn't get enough of me. Why are you acting like I'm suddenly a piece of shit on your boot?"

The venom was gone in a heartbeat, and now her words came out softly, reluctantly. "You smell wrong."

"What? I smell bad now? What the hell? I showered right before we docked, so as not to offend your cultured senses. Guess I failed at that."

"Don't be stupid. I didn't say 'bad,' I said wrong. Not like you."

"And I repeat: we're apart for six standard weeks, I have a hell of a time, I get through the last month just by thinking about you and when I'll see you again, and you kick me out of your bed because I smell wrong? Who are you and what have you done with Leia?"

Leia was on her feet just as fast as he'd been, and now he knew he was in over his head. "Fine: you want to do this? Let's do it.

"First of all, I am not kicking you out of my bed. you're the one who started this. In fact, if you'd be willing to drop it, I might even be persuaded to go back to having sex if I thought it would get me some peace and quiet. But I doubt I'd be so lucky.

"Second of all, you painted a very moving portrait, there, of a valiant soldier spurned by the lover he's been pining for. But there's one thing missing. What about me? I mean, the actual me, not just the girl in some holo you've been jerking off to! Do you have any concern for what's going on above my neck, or have you just been wanting to get in my pants the whole time you've been gone?"

There were too many hits for him to even keep track of, so he just started with the most recent.

"Do I have any concern for you? Sure. Do I want to have a big talk about feelings? Not at the moment. Especially not after this scene. You're acting crazy."

"This isn't a scene- this is my life, which you haven't exactly been a part of for a while. Oh, and of course any woman who doesn't fall at a man's feet must be crazy: thanks so much for pulling that shit on me."

Han was already half dressed, but he gave it one last shot. "Look, I'm here now. Why are we fighting when we're finally together?"

"I don't know. All I know is that we were making love and then you suddenly decided that something was wrong."

But he just couldn't leave it alone. "And you have no idea what I'm talking about?"

"None at all." And that was it: there was no salvaging this night. Why bother holding back now?

"Stop lying. I know what I know. I can't believe that we've come this far and you're still trying to bullshit me."

"Don't you dare talk to me like that! Get out. Now. Don't forget your blaster, you brave warrior home from battle."

"Fuck you." He grabbed his jacket and stalked to the door.

"Not tonight you won't!"

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

_Many thanks to AnnaFan and FettsOnTop for beta reading._

On the night that Han returned from Seoul 5, Leia slept fitfully but without dreaming. When she closed her eyes she didn't see fictions made up by her unconscious, but scenes from the night before replaying over and over. She woke before her alarm, alert and resolute.

A feeling of dread followed her all day. The fight with Han had been bad enough, but the sex that preceded it was worse. Leia realized now what a terrible idea it had been to make love when she felt no desire. She felt sick to her stomach when she remembered how wrong it had felt to go through the motions of such intimacy without a spark of passion to drive them. All the parts were the same, the motions had become familiar to her, but it had none of the power and resonance that she'd grown used to. Leia realized now how lucky she must be to expect that feeling. Perhaps other people never did. But she had now, and it meant more to her than she'd realized.

From their first lovemaking in Cloud City to their frenzied joining over Sullust, straight on to the night before he left, when she'd tried to memorize every inch of him, sex had been the glue that kept them together. There were things communicated during sex that they couldn't seem to say any other way. Maybe, if they lasted, it would be different someday, when they were older and had learned other ways to say the things they couldn't now. But in the meantime, this lingua franca was vital to the partnership they were forging.

Leia was also distressed to find how much she'd come to depend on her carnal relationship with Han. This relationship just kept throwing out new surprises. She was realizing that not only had she missed the sex more than expected, but that she needed it more than she'd thought. Beyond being an amusing pastime, sex with Han had been grounding her, nourishing her, in a way she hadn't been aware of. Without it, Leia felt rudderless.

Now she was faced with another day packed full of duty and bother and toil, of running all day just to stay in place. Even worse than being absent, Han was on the flagship, but bitterly angry. Leia didn't know how she was going to handle it.

Tonight she was supposed to welcome a delegation from Zhotta 3, where Han and Chewie had just been. It seemed that even they were better diplomats than she these days, having at least convinced the Zhottan leadership to send a delegation to the Provisional Council. On Herdessa, all she'd done was get a faceful of mud and uncover yet another sentient-trafficking ring. The Provisional Council was still cleaning up the mess. So much for bringing eager, honestly governed worlds into the Alliance. Sometimes Leia wondered if those even existed anymore. Maybe the last one had been blasted out of existence by the Death Star. These troubling thoughts wound themselves around her brain as she struggled to keep her chin up and do her work.

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It was easy for Han to go through a day on Home One without seeing Leia at all, but today he wasn't so lucky. He saw her walking in a gaggle of Council members around mid-morning, discussing new temporary shelters for refugees. He felt first a tiny spark of joy at seeing her which was immediately extinguished by a rush of anger and hurt. Usually in a situation like this he would walk right up to her and engage her, or at least call a snarky greeting, or make sure he had her attention and then snub her just to irritate her. As childish as that might have been, even worse was what he did now: hide around a corner. He was embarrassed for himself: is this what he'd come to? It wasn't that he was afraid to see her, he told himself, he just didn't know what to say yet. And he was sure neither of them wanted an encounter in front of half the Provisional Council.

Han was on his way to meet Luke, ostensibly to see how the mods to his X-wing were holding up. Han also wanted to do some recon and see if he could find out anything that might explain what the hell had happened with Leia last night. He couldn't adequately comprehend the level of horror he'd felt when he realized how badly he'd misread the situation in bed. Han prided himself on knowing Leia better than anyone else--sometimes even better than herself. Even though she and Luke had a unique bond that he couldn't touch, Han knew that he understood her in a way that that not even Luke did. But he'd given the lie to that last night when he'd bought her weak show of desire. If he was really honest with himself, he supposed he'd had an idea in his mind of just how it would be when he saw Leia again, and a night of passionate sex was the capstone of that fantasy. Maybe he'd been so focused on how he wanted it to be that he'd missed the fact that Leia had been playing a role without actually feeling anything. Why she didn't feel anything, why she'd felt the need to play a role: now that was something else entirely. Those questions, along with the lingering sick feeling of realizing he'd been having sex with someone who was present in body but light years away in mind, were what dominated his thoughts this morning. Though Han wasn't overly prone to melancholy, uncertainty with Leia made him brood. He didn't like it and he was looking for answers.

Luke was more than happy to talk about his X-wing's recent performance, as well as open her up so that he and Han could check out the wear. "So is it true the whole fleet might make these changes?" It was hard to imagine that the mods he and Luke had made to the gear that negotiated the changeover between the hyper and sublight engines would be adopted by all of the X-wing squadrons.

"Absolutely: you should have seen how the sublights kicked in-it was so smooth you couldn't feel a thing, and I swear, it took me half the standard time to be combat-ready. I could've fired my first shot in hyper and it would've hit its target in real space!"

"Damn. I honestly didn't think it would make that much of a difference to recalibrate the handoff module. I was just bored 'cause I'd run out of things to do on the Falcon. Only a temporary problem, I assure you." Han took a turn sticking his head as far into the compact engine as it would go to search for excessive wear. "Yeah, she's looking good."

"That's great: the quicker shutdown doesn't seem like it's stressing the hyper at all. Sometimes I'm surprised you're not still in the Imperial Navy as their star engineer." The two climbed down from the X-Wing and went in search of rags to clean up with.

"Nah, I was just a fighter jockey. A damn good one, though. I could've had a sweet career and a tidy pension waiting for me if it wasn't for that minor little slavery problem the Imps have."

"What? Do I hear the indomitable Han Solo actually waxing nostalgic for his days as an Imperial tool?" Rag procured, Han slumped on a storage crate in the shadow of Luke's ship, his shoulders hunched uncharacteristically.

"Eh, not really. I was better off out of there. But damned if life didn't put me in another uniform. You won't hear me say it often, kid, but sometimes this whole gig starts to smell like bullshit."

"What's going on? Everything went well on Zhotta 3, I thought?" Luke settled down next to his friend and made a show of cleaning the worst of the engine grease out from under his fingernails.

"As far as it goes, sure. They're on their way here to talk more with the real diplomats, so I suppose that's a victory. I have to get into full dress for some damn reception tonight. But I was not the man for the job. I'm not cut out to evangelize for the Cause, everyone knows it, but the brass doesn't know what the hell else to do with me. So they set me up to fail on these missions-they're just waiting for me to get bored and skip out on HRH. I'm sure they're already planning my "and don't come back" party."

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh come on, you know I'm not the most popular guy with the Council now that I'm the official Princess Defiler. Can't a guy just feel sorry for himself once in a while when his life is going down the shitter?"

"I guess so, sure. If he wants to sound exactly like a certain protocol droid we both know."

"That was cold, Luke. That was just uncalled for. Ah, Who am I kidding? You're right. I sound pathetic." Forehead in palm, elbow on knee, Han imagined he must look like a portrait of dejection. It was an unfamiliar feeling.

"Yeah, you do, a little. Buck up! You'll solve this." Luke was right: he needed to grab the bantha by the horns. Enough nattering around: time to go to the source. Han straightened up.

"Yeah, I will. And I know where to start, too."

"Where? Hey-where are you going?"

"To get some answers from your sister. See you later."

"Hey-wait! What's Leia supposed to answer for you? Wait a minute-is this all because of some spat you two are having?"

"I'm a grown man. I don't have spats."

"Then what are you having?"

"A...a blow-out."

"Yeah, that'll work too. What happened?"

He'd walked right into that one. "Uhh, that's not for your innocent ears, kid."

"Oh: OK. We can forget the details, then. But listen- Leia's had a tough time. What happened on Herdessa made things even harder."

"What happened on Herdessa? No-one told me about anything. Leia didn't tell me about anything."

"Calm down, Han. Everything was fine."

"Then what the hell happened?" This could change everything: maybe there was some external reason for Leia strange act the night before.

"I guess there was some local unrest. Leia was in the lead heading to do the greetings at the spaceport, and there was some heckling from the crowd."

"Is that all? I've seen the Princess handle worse than that without blinking."

"Well, then someone threw a hand full of mud that got her square in the face." Luke's words made adrenaline surge through him.

"What?! Who the hell did it? Did they get the guy?"

"No. Our boys were ordered to let the locals handle it. But it was all a moot point in the end, because Leia found out that the guild running the world is dealing in slaves. Why am I telling you this? Why didn't she tell you yesterday?"

It started to dawn on him. "Because she didn't get the chance. Shit. If I'd been there..."

"I know. I felt the same way. But she doesn't need us to protect her."

"She doesn't? It sounds to me like security on that mission was for shit. How could they have not scouted ahead?"

"I don't know. I'm trusting that the security team did their best with what they had. There's nothing we can do about it now, anyways. But listen, go easy on Leia, OK? I don't think it was easy for her to be apart from you."

"I honestly don't know why that would be, but I'll try to give you the benefit of the doubt. She's probably at the mess hall by now. Want to join me and go meet her?"

"No, I'll leave you guys to it." Han began his march over to the mess hall, not caring now about who saw, who heard, or anything other than getting the answers he needed from Leia.

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Leia was, indeed, in the mess hall, sitting by herself at her favorite table: a back corner 4-top that afforded a good view of the rest of the mess, but still felt somewhat private. Although her morning's work had provided some respite, now her mind was running in circles again, all around the events of the night before. She found herself comparing Han's recent absence to when he'd been truly lost to her- taken by Vader and Fett and Jabba. Back then, even though she knew that she loved Han, they hadn't had a chance to really begin a relationship. That had hurt so much then, the fact that if he died or she never found him, they wouldn't get a chance to see what they could be together. Before this separation, Leia had begun to get a sense of what they could be together, and it seemed formidable indeed. But just as things between them were moving into entirely new territory, that damn call went out for any available high-level officers to take on embassies to prospective member worlds. Han hadn't been keen at all for them to split up and go on separate missions, but she'd insisted that it was important to get as many embassies out as possible in order to strengthen the Alliance. So he'd gone to Zhotta 3 and she'd gone to Herdessa. And it had turned out to be a disaster.

Leia was still sitting in the mess and mulling it all over when Han plopped himself down opposite her.

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"Why didn't you tell me about Herdessa?" Han thought Leia looked caught in a target lock at first, but then her shoulders slumped and she seemed to accept that yes, this conversation was happening now.

"Let me guess: you talked to Luke?" At Han's confirming nod, she continued. "Well, when was I supposed to tell you? There wasn't a good time."

"If we'd gone straight to your stateroom like I wanted, we'd have had time to catch up, you know. Let each other know about little things like getting mud slung in your face." Han regretted his blunt words and harsh tone the second he saw Leia's cringe upon hearing them. But she was far from cowed.

"Yes, I'm sure 'catching up' was just what you had in mind for us yesterday. Why does it seem like you're angry at me because this happened? What was I supposed to do?"

"I'm mad that it happened at all. It shouldn't have happened. There should have been an advance team in place to scope out the crowd. If I'd been there, that's what I would have done."

"Well, you weren't there. We trusted Major Kelvin to handle security, and I still trust him. Sometimes these things just happen. I wasn't hurt at all, just...humiliated. It was awful, Han."

At this, Han had to will his hand not to reach for hers across the table. Why had he ever done the Zhotta mission in the first place? It was so clear now that it had been lunacy. Leia had needed him, and if he was really honest with himself, he had missed her desperately. He'd kept feeling her phantom form next to him: in his bunk, or walking next to him with her fine-boned hand on his arm. He gave up fighting instinct and let his hand travel halfway to hers.

"Sweetheart..." He was rewarded with the abrupt and not-very-subtle retreat of her hand from the table to her braids. If she was messing with her braids in public, it had to mean she was nervous as hell.

"Well, since we're here, I may as well fill you in on some other good news. I've been accosted again regarding the status of our... us. This time it's asked of me if I intend to make you the Prince Consort of Alderaan." Great, Han thought, this is the last thing we need. As steadfast as their love for each other might be, it was all too easy for nosy colleagues, class differences, the stresses of maintaining peace, or even the specter of an evil-but-redeemed father to threaten the balance that he and Leia were learning to maintain between them. He hoped the day would never come when one too many of these factors would pile on and everything would crumble. He didn't know what he'd do if that ever happened. Until then, best to push forward as if none of it bothered him a bit.

"The what of who? I don't even know what that means. And who wants to know?"

"You'll love this: Doman Berus."

"Berus? I can't believe it." Han's hands went up in the air and then weaved between them eloquently. "I thought she was fine with this."

"I don't really get it either. She's always been very accepting and open with us. I get the feeling suddenly she thinks that we'll get married, you'll become the First Man of the Corellian System, and she'll be left in the dust without having even gotten a wedding invitation. So she wanted to be in the loop. But she went about it in the worst possible way."

"So what are we going to do about it? What do these people want, published transcripts of our pillow talk? Maybe a ringside seat for the main event? Not that that would be much of a show these days."

Leia blanched. "Do you have to talk like that right now? I'm trying so hard here, and you're not helping." Her voice had taken on that wavering tone that actually hurt Han to hear. A sudden tide of regret washed through him.

"Leia, I'm sorry about last night. I wasn't paying enough attention: I screwed up. I didn't know Herdessa had been so hard on you, and I get that it could kill the mood for you."

Leia's eyes were cast down at the tabletop. She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry too. I never should have allowed things to get that far. I kept hoping that everything would just go back to normal. But you need to understand: the Herdessa thing wasn't the real problem last night. I'm sure that's got something to do with it, I won't deny that, but mostly I'm just having trouble adjusting." Leia glanced at him expectantly. If he didn't know better, he'd say her expression showed the tiniest bit of trepidation. What now? They'd both apologized: now was the time to make this thing up, but what she'd said just didn't sit right with him.

"What do you mean you shouldn't have let it get that far? You mean you should have blown me off completely last night? I don't get this, Leia. What can't you adjust to? Me? Are you saying you wish I hadn't come back?" Han cut himself off when he heard his voice embarrassingly in pitch.

"Oh, Han. Not you, exactly, but us. Maybe I got used to being alone again. Maybe I'm not ready to jump back into sharing my space and my life and my body with someone else." Leia's words made a kind of sense, and they cut him. He didn't want to ask it, but he had to, and he didn't even care if he sounded like a fool.

"Didn't you miss me at all?"

Leia carefully wiped a tear from her cheek, glancing around to make sure no one had seen. Han was grateful that at least she was feeling something. Her answer was quiet as a whisper, but delivered as if she was shouting. "I missed you so much I couldn't stand it. I cried every night, just like when you were- really gone. But you weren't really gone, and I had to function, so I just told myself to get a grip, that you were going to come back, and that I just had to force myself to miss you less." Han opened his mouth, but before he could, Leia was off again. She kept so much in check that when she occasionally opened the flood gates, the result was a tide of emotion that had to run out before the waters calmed again.

"But to miss you less I had to need you less. And now I'm used to it, and I don't know how to go back to being together. I'm stuck. Everything yesterday felt so strange! And I'm afraid to get so close to you again, because you're just going to go away, or I will, and I'll be without you again. I can't switch so fast between depending on you and being completely self-contained. And then switch back again!"

It seemed the flood tide had run its course, and Leia breathed as if it had been a massive effort just to release those words.

"So how do we fix this?" Han tried to focus on that goal, because this could be fixed, right? It had to be.

"I don't know. You keep asking me what we're going to do and I don't know! I keep trying to get back to that place we were in before, but I can't just make it happen."

Deciding to walk away before things got any worse, Han put his palms on the table and stood up. "OK, sweetheart, I guess I get it, sort of. But I don't have to like it. Why don't you just let me know when you decide you're ready to make the switch-over. But you've gotta come to me: I'm not going to chase you all over the joint this time." He wasn't trying to be cruel, but he didn't have anything more to offer than that. So he walked away.


	4. Chapter 4

_A mountain of thanks to the mistresses of two very different pairings. From Middle Earth, please give a round of applause to AnnaFan, who is heating things up between Faramir and Eowyn. And from a Galaxy Far, Far Away, give it up for FettsOnTop, rocking the most believable Boba Fett/Leia Organa pairing in fanfic history. Thanks also to StatsGrandma, who vetted Han and Luke's shop talk in chapter 3._

Chapter 4

Home One was huge, with ample opportunities for getting lost. That suited Leia's mood perfectly as she trekked down the long axis of the flagship, her formal gown floating around her legs. It was the middle of the evening, a little less than 24 hours since Han had stormed out of her staterooms, but those 24 hours had felt like one hundred, and the last two had been the worst of all. She had just escaped the reception for the Zhottan delegation. Han had shown up a trifle late, his tired dress uniform obviously the same one he'd had on his mission. She'd wondered if he would venture over to her quarters to get a fresh one during the afternoon: apparently he hadn't braved it. She was wearing a gown that reflected her mood: neither here nor there. There had been an internal struggle over her wardrobe which she considered absurd even while engaging it. Should she wear something alluring to make Han want to pursue her, or to make him feel bad that they were arguing? But they weren't really arguing, she thought. Maybe she should wear something conservative, sending the message that whether Han found her alluring or not was of no concern to her. In the end, she settled on a gown that she'd never particularly liked: neither gray nor green, it should have been an attractive mossy color, but Leia had always thought it looked a bit mildewed. The neckline didn't hang quite right and the sleeves were too long. She hadn't gotten rid of it because it was acceptable, and in wartime you didn't get rid of anything wearable. She'd been on the verge of passing it on, but she pulled it out one last time because it expressed how she felt about everything tonight: not quite right.

Taking long walks through the more disused areas of the ship was one of Leia's favorite pastimes, especially during the sleep cycle when she couldn't bear to look at the walls of her stateroom for one more minute. It was still early, so to get some solitude Leia had to walk all the way to the section of the ship that housed the backup sublight engines. Unless they were getting a routine inspection, that area should be blessedly empty. The steady rhythm of walking started to calm her. She made sure her spine was aligned and dropped her shoulders from their recent habitat around her ears. Now she could finally think.

At the reception, she and Han had been expected to at least greet one another, of course. They often addressed each other with some formality in public: it maintained decorum and felt flirtatious at the same time. Tonight, though, the formality had been real. It masked discord, not affection. As she took Han's arm and let him lead her into the receiving line, Leia felt tears pricking her eyelids. This was just the kind of thing she'd missed so much, being arm in arm with him, having a partner at these uncomfortable events. Now she felt mocked by the circumstance. Often, something about inhabiting their public roles like this led to wonderful sex later on, as if they were thumbing their noses at the stuffiness of these functions. But Leia had little hope of that happening tonight. Han had said she needed to come to him, but that felt impossible. They hadn't spoken one private word to each other for the entire reception, and this was so unprecedented that it was a little frightening. For all their reputation of fighting endlessly, Leia couldn't remember the last time that she and Han hadn't been on speaking terms. Their arguments had been the best way to come to an understanding, and bitter silence just wasn't as effective, or as fun, as fighting it out was.

The worst part of the reception had come after Han had spoken a few words to the attendees. He had done pretty well, she thought, but she'd heard him speak much more compellingly on other occasions. After he stepped away from the mic he was greeted by a few of the Zhottan delegates and some members of the Provisional Council. It must have been a pleasant conversation, because she heard Han laugh suddenly: a really genuine laugh that made her stomach turn over. The next second, though, it pierced her gut. That laugh reminded her of the man she really wanted: the one she'd missed so badly. But now everything was mucked up supremely. She'd fled the reception as soon as she could within the bounds of politeness. She'd felt the sudden urge to roam, to walk the ship from one end to the other, all night if that's what it took to figure this out.

_What's going on with me? I know that I love him, of course that hasn't changed. so why don't I want to make love with him? It's like I've lost my capacity for that kind of intimacy._

Now that was a scary thought. what if those few months they'd had after Endor were just a flash in the pan? A brief, passionate affair that was never meant to last?

_Maybe I really didn't miss him? No: I know I did at first. But then it was like I just closed up. And now I'm stuck here, and I don't know how to open up again. And Han is so angry that I pushed him away. How can I make it right? How can I want him again? How can I learn how to let him back in? Oh gods, I just want to go home. Please let me go home._

Leia stumbled to a stop near the maintenance bay for the number three backup drive. She turned to the wall and rested her forehead against the cool metal of the paneling. Her nose filled with the phantom scent of cut grass and summer rain. Her lips twisted and tears came to her eyes. But she kept breathing, and soon enough heard the voice of her wise self in her mind. _No more tears, now, her wise self said. That's gone away, and you can't bring it back. It will always hurt, but come, there must be some haven for you in this galaxy: if not a home, then at least a place to rest easy, to be safe._

Safe. The heartbreaking smell of grass and rain was replaced by the smell of engine grease and caf brewing and that Green Grit soap that sat in the shower of the Falcon. Where she'd heard nightbirds in the palace garden of Aldera, now she heard swearing and raucous laughter and friendly roaring. She heard the oddly musical squeak of that one deck plate that refused to lie flush over one of the smuggling compartments.

Her heart surged in her chest, as if it wanted to leap straight out. She pushed off the wall and started walking. Her heart approved. It tugged her back towards the center of the ship, and over to starboard, where one of the Home's twenty hangars, a smaller one, was informally reserved for the Millennium Falcon. Her thoughts continued in the same vein as she walked. Oh, that rough soap that she claimed to hate. It would take blood or grease off of anything, but it was not meant for the tenderer parts of the human body. Then one day Han couldn't find any other soap, so he put a bar of the Green Grit in the 'fresher. Luke had said it felt like rubbing sand all over his body and Han called him a diva. They'd teased Luke about it for weeks, even her. A sliver of that soap had been left when they finally met up with the fleet after the horror of Cloud City, and she'd saved it like a relic.

And that stubborn deck plate. Han was always saying that if they ever got boarded they were cooked, and then Chewie would ask him when the last time was that they'd used it for contraband, anyways, and Han would respond that it was the principle of the thing. It had become a standard part of the running comedy routine they performed.

Leia wanted so badly to be on that ship right this instant. Her stateroom was comfortable, even pleasant under certain circumstances. But she was so tired of it, and when she thought of it all she could see in her mind's eye was that awful failed sex and the subsequent fight. It wasn't the biggest fight she and Han had ever had, but it might have been the bitterest, and it frightened her. She couldn't see letting Han in yet, but she wanted out.

Maybe that was the key: instead of waiting to be ready for him to enter her space and her body, she should get out of it herself and visit his for awhile. Han would arrive there sooner or later, and that was fine. She just wanted to go someplace safe: the most stable "home" she'd had in four years. And whenever Han showed up, she'd face him then. Leia stopped for a moment to take her heels off and carry them, then kept walking.

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After the reception finally ended, Han made his way to the Falcon, fighting every step of the way against his urge to go towards the officers' staterooms instead. He was kicking himself for letting things end the way they they had with Leia today. Getting through that reception without her had been grueling, and he just wanted everything to be the way it had been. Something about the way she'd glanced at him tonight told him that Leia was almost ready to receive him into her good graces again. He'd had years of experience in gauging her receptiveness, and long habit told him that this was the moment for him to step forward and make some sort of goodwill gesture.

When she'd left the party, a voice in his head was yelling, follow her. Follow her now. But something deeper was sticking to what he had told her earlier: when she was ready, she needed to come to him. If he didn't give her that opportunity, or she didn't come through, he honestly didn't know what it would mean for them. But he knew he had to give it this chance.

Even though these were the thoughts going through his mind when he arrived at his ship, when he found the ramp lowered his only conclusion was that Chewbacca had changed his mind about going down to the forest moon that evening. "Chewie! What happened? I thought you were catching the last surface shuttle?" There was no answer to his call when he reached the top of the ramp.

"Chewie? Are you here? What the hell?"

In the silence after his second call, Han heard something. Inexplicably, it sounded like the shower. Showers were not generally part of a wookiee's grooming regimen, unless extreme circumstances warranted it. Han started toward the crew quarters, starting to unbutton his jacket.

"Oh, man. What did you spill now, genius? Nothing caustic, I-"

His boots became glued to the deck of the sleeping quarters. The 'fresher door was wide open, and the lights in there as well as in the crew quarters were set dim for the sleep cycle. The shower was not occupied by Chewie, cleaning off some industrial-level spill. It was Leia. That awful gown was strewn on the floor, he noticed now that he looked for it in the dim. Looking back to the 'fresher, he didn't know which was taking his breath away-the sight of her silhouette behind the shower door, or the fact that she was here at all. Goodwill gesture, indeed: she always did love to show him up. With all of the doors open Leia must have heard him calling, but she didn't show any awareness of his presence. Although she obviously knew that he was watching her, her movements weren't showy. This was a bold move on her part, to be sure, but it wasn't an outright invitation, that much was somehow clear to Han. Given the nature of this whole argument to begin with, he definitely didn't want to burst in there with his weapon drawn, as it were. But he didn't want to play it too timid, either. Whatever he did right now had to be done very carefully. She had come, and he had an opportunity, but he got the feeling that he could easily blow the whole thing.

There was a narrow window of opportunity for Han to exert a modicum of control over his arousal (one of the nice things about not being 21 any more). He took full advantage of it and had a brief but stern conversation with his cock-- _"don't fuck this up for us again, OK? We've got a chance here, but you must. Be. Cool._ " With that little matter attended to, and one more moment spent watching Leia, Han sat down on his bunk to take off his boots. How in the world, he thought, had she ended up in his shower?


	5. Chapter 5

_Many thanks to the women who save me from Dante's Level of Hell for Bad Fanfic Writers, AnnaFan and FettsOnTop. (By the way, AnnaFan suggests that the Second Circle is where we lustful fic authors will reside. Do you agree?)_

Leia hadn't planned on getting into the shower. She'd coded herself onto the Falcon and wandered for a bit, then sat in the main hold, and suddenly she imagined getting into the shower right then: just taking off her clothes and jumping in. Once she'd thought of it, of course she had to do it. And now that she was here, it felt so good that it had nearly the power of a holy ritual. The water streaming over her was washing away so much of the tension she'd been carrying around. It must have taken a massive effort to shut down her longing for Han, she realized, but she could let that go now. She could simply stand in the stream of water and breathe.

How was it, anyway, that this was one of the best showers she'd ever used? It wasn't beautifully appointed by any means, but it was clean, and it was big. She guessed it was either a quirk of the original ship design, or else Han and Chewie had enlarged it to accommodate Chewie's frame.

When she'd first flown on the Falcon, the water that came out of the shower head was copious but lukewarm, grey, and tinny-smelling. But after she'd been flying missions with Han and Luke and Chewie for a little while, Han replaced the ancient heating and filtration system with a newer one that provided nearly limitless hot water that was as clear as could be. He'd avoided giving any explanation for the upgrade, but Leia knew him well enough even then to know that he wouldn't replace something that was functioning (to whatever standard) for no reason.

She'd wondered about it back then, and now, luxuriating in the glorious flow of water, she seriously considered whether he might have been courting her with the gesture. The idea was so silly it made her smile, but once she gave it another moment, it made a kind of sense. How else would a man so devoted to his ship choose to court a lady than by changing his ship to suit her? It was just at this moment that she heard Han pound up the ramp and shout for his co-pilot. In another moment she caught movement out of the corner of her eye and heard Han's voice again, but then it stopped. He seemed to be just standing there in the crew quarters, probably wondering what the hell she was doing here. She kept her focus on the hot water streaming down and continued her ritual. The strangest sense of calm had come over her when she'd come here. She didn't know what to expect from him, but she'd come here willing to face whatever it was.

Presently there was a tap on the shower door and Han's voice, toneless with careful neutrality, asking "can I come in?" She considered for the briefest of moments before responding.

"OK."

The door opened and he stepped into the shower with her. "Here, get under the spray," she said, and backed up until she was standing behind the stream of water. Han stepped forward and poked his head under it. He closed his eyes and turned his body enough to get thoroughly wet, running his hands through his hair, behind his neck, and up and down his arms. Then he stepped back. He was sleek and wet, with clear eyes looking down at her.

"Hi" she greeted him solemnly.

"Hi."

Leia reached behind her for the bar of soap and lathered her hands without taking her eyes from his. Then she washed him, not very thoroughly, not with an eye to perfect hygiene, but to renewing her acquaintance with his body.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Um-hm." While they talked, her hands slid over his shoulders and arms.

"Did you upgrade the water system in here for me?"

"What d'you mean?"

"Oh, I suppose I had some silly notion back then that maybe you did it as a way to court me." Now she spread lather over his chest, hips and thighs.

"'Court you?' Huh. I don't know. I don't think I was ever dumb enough to think I'd win you over with plentiful hot water… that's nice.

"But as I recall I mostly did it because of you. If I hadn't had a woman on board, and someone who needed to look presentable more often than not, I doubt I would have done it."

"Oh. I guess that makes sense." Feeling the tiniest pinch of disappointment, she gently turned him around to do his back and haunches.

"No, back in those days the way I courted you ran more along the lines of swooping in and pulling you off hostile worlds where you'd been forced into service in a tap cafe."

"Hey - Luke was the one who really found me on Shelkonwa." Leia put down the soap and began to rinse Han off with spray from the shower. He already felt different under her hands: warm and familiar, with a tiny spark of something electric just underneath.

"Yeah, but it was me you ran to when we walked in there. And I can still remember how you looked at me."

Leia smiled at the memory. "I'd never been so glad to see you before."

"Are you glad to see me now?"

"Very glad. Turn around." As he turned back to face her, Leia felt his erection brush her side.  
She put a light hand to him. "You're hard," she murmured, not meeting his eyes.

"Damn right" was his hoarse response. The only move he made was to put his hand over hers where she touched him. The desire was clear in his voice and his body, but he was still. Leia had expected him to either embrace her or back off and she hadn't been sure which she preferred: but this was something she hadn't expected, and she relished having the space to make her own move.

She tilted her face up, and finally they kissed. His free hand went to her hip, and hers went to his waist, maintaining a sliver of distance between them. She needed for this to move slowly, and it did: their lips met slowly, then parted, then came together slowly again. Her mouth opened slowly, and then his. She drew back and met his eyes, then returned. Their tongues slowly met, and he explored her almost languorously.

How different this was from last night! Leia felt a rush of relief along with the liquid gold that was flooding her belly. They could come together again, it was possible. They just needed to practice the give and take a little more. She reached behind her to turn off the shower.

They dried off with old towels that weren't the softest but sopped up water like crazy. Then they made their way the short distance to Han's bunk, continuing the soft and thorough kisses they'd started in the shower. Han sat down on the bunk and took her hands. "Stay sitting," Leia said, and climbed into his lap.

They barely spoke at first, and they each chose a light touch with the other, easing into this face-to-face intimacy. Leia used the smallest tilting of her hips to create a delicious friction, while Han lightly brushed her breasts with his fingertips. Finally he broke their silence. "I love these."

Leia felt a novel surge of affection for her own body. "They are nice, aren't they? I suppose it's rude to boast, though."

Han answered after a soft bark of laughter. "If you've got 'em, boast about 'em. You sure don't flaunt them most of the time. I think I knew you for months months before I realized what you were hiding."

"I'm pretty sure I remember you giving them a good look when I put that medal around your neck."

"Oh, that ceremony was all a big blur. I mean I didn't really realize, on a gut level, just how truly stacked you are."

"Thank you so much," Leia answered dryly. "It is true, though," she signed, "I went a couple of years with tragically inadequate support. But I'm glad you noticed eventually." Their tone was as light as their touching, and for just the same reason: they were testing the waters, reacquainting themselves.

Han placed a small kiss on top of each breast before putting his palms over them. Leia closed her eyes, suffused with the sweetness of the moment. "Oh. Wait a minute." Han's surprised voice broke into her reverie.

"What is it?"

"Have you ever had a dream, forgotten all about it, then been reminded of it all of a sudden later?"

"I guess I have."

"I think I used to dream about your breasts while I was away. And I only just remembered."  
The tone of their speech was changing, and Leia's surprised laugh changed the texture of her rocking in a very pleasurable way. "Oh my Stars! That's... actually very flattering. I feel like I should be coming up with some righteous indignation right now, but I can't."

"It's the weirdest thing. It's only holding them now that it's coming back to me."

"Oh? You wouldn't feel a pang whenever you touched something, I don't know, kind of round?" Her laughter filled the tiny cabin, and then her shrieks when he began to tickle her. 

"Hey! No sex tickling! I can't--oh." and then they were silent again for some time more.

It was good sex, honest and loving, but not great. There came a point when Leia realized that she wasn't going to climax this way. Han didn't seem to like the idea, but he'd already reached the edge of the cliff. "Sweetheart, I-"

"It's fine: I don't care. We've got all night."

Han began to disentangle himself from her embrace, leaning back towards the mattress. "Maybe if I-"

"No. I want it like this," Leia protested. she gathered him back into her arms and twisted her hips enticingly. She knew she'd won the fight when his lips opened to her again and his deliciously long fingers pressed into the flesh of her bottom. He pressed her to him and she felt the muscles in his shoulders and neck stiffen. He groaned through their kiss as his whole body went rigid. Then, as he finally went slack, he lay back on the bunk, gently bringing her with him and cradling her by his side.

"I'm sorry."

"Why? You were willing to keep trying. But honestly, sometimes I think it's more fun when I stop worrying about having an orgasm."

"You worry about orgasms?" Great: now he was really interested.

"Not really, not much, anyway. It's just that sometimes it's easier and sometimes it's harder, and I can't always tell which it will be."

Han was starting to distract her: he was easing her onto her back and exploring her neck, chest, arms and stomach with lips and light fingertips.

"Are you listening, Han?"

"Um hm." He glanced away from a spot on the inside of her arm which he apparently found delectable. "Keep going." He made it sound like a dare, and the way he returned his lips to her sensitive inner arm did make it a little hard to continue.

"I mean, maybe I should keep my expectations realistic. You know, even some women with active sex lives only have four orgasms a year." (It was amazing the facts you picked up while serving on the Sexually Reproductive Female Sentiens committee.)

Han looked at her with a mix of amusement, affection and pique. "Not on my watch." And he made a decisive move to the south, kissing his way down her belly. Leia settled further into the bunk and into the cradle of Han's arms. When he did this, he liked to hold her hips steady to prevent her more violent bucking from breaking his nose, as he'd once told her to her embarrassment (after that, she'd lasted three whole days before letting him do it again, finally concluding that she didn't care how he teased her, so long as he kept making her feel that good). Tonight, though, it was all he could do to eke out any response at all. No wonder I couldn't climax before, she thought. At first it was almost soothing as he tested each of her favorite spots, seeking to please her, to make her tell him with a gasp that he'd found a good place to linger. When he did find the one spot that drew a response from her, it wasn't a gasp, but a sigh that escaped her. She began to feel the stirring of excitement as Han concentrated his efforts, and eventually her hips did start to move.  
When Leia gripped his forearms, Han looked up and their eyes met for a moment. He briefly smiled at her without ceasing the work of his tongue. The sight of his grin in this particular context brought the greatest surge of heat yet, and she lay back again and focused on her pleasure.

Again and again Leia approached climax, only to feel her arousal stall out again before reaching that crucial tipping point. Her frustration was as great as her pleasure by now, and she moved restlessly on the bunk. She finally tried to tell her endearingly stubborn lover to give up the fight. But before she could finish her sentence, Han rested his chin on her thigh and and lazily told her, "Princess, I could do this all night. Don't you know I love to eat you?"  
Then he bared her tender-most spot with gentle fingers, and touched his tongue to her. It was all at once so gentle, so electric, and so radically intimate that it took Leia's breath away. Falling back in a near swoon, Leia was so close now, but there was something inside her that wouldn't let her go until it was heard. Her mouth opened unbidden and words began to tumble out. "I can't not need you. I can't." As if in response, he began to suck, and everything shattered. She was chanting three words over and over, and a powerful surge of pleasure made her whole body convulse before she collapsed back in a boneless puddle, shuddering as the waves of her climax washed over her.

Han climbed back up the bunk. They lay there together, limp with exhaustion. Leia tugged Han's hair so that he pulled his face away from her neck and met her eyes. She repeated the three words that had fought to be freed from her lips. "I need you." It felt like the confession of something grievous.

"It's OK," he murmured, brushing hair away from her face. "I need you, too."

"How can you bear it? It's too terrible. I thought the worst was when you were in carbonite, I thought I loved you then, but not like this. What if I can't live without you? I don't even mean if you died: what if I can’t even be apart from you? It scares me."

He kissed her cheeks and the bridge of her nose and her forehead, then began to speak as he tucked his head back into the curve of her shoulder.

"You'll be fine, with me or without me. Look: what are you really worried about right now?"  
Leia took a moment to gather her thoughts through a haze of sleepiness. "Over all, I think I'm worried that if I let myself need you, everything will fall apart. I guess I didn't deal very well with your being away, and now I'm not dealing very well with your being back. So what if I just can't handle a relationship like this at all? What if I can't do it right?"

"OK, let's slow down a minute and look at your argument." As he continued on in a matter-of-fact tone that Leia found very comforting, Han held up a finger in the dim light for each point.

"First of all, you're thinking that in the future, either you'll adjust perfectly or crash and burn every time I go away. But that's a false dilemma. The truth is in the middle: sometimes it'll be easy and sometimes it'll be hard. Which brings us to your next error in logic. This is a non-representative sample right here. This was one mission, one time that we were away from each other. There's no evidence that every other time will be the same. In fact, I seem to remember another time when I got a pretty amazing 'welcome back' from you."

Leia felt a slight lifting in her chest, as if the gravity on the ship had lightened a hair. For the first time in a while, a light began to dawn inside. She reached up and captured his hand in hers. "You're right."

"You have to stop sounding so surprised when you say that. Elementary logic is part of the curriculum at Carida." She smiled and turned their hands in the air over their heads. She felt a compulsion to banish every last worry that remained to nag at her.

"But what if what we had before was just a one-time thing? What if we can't ever get that back?"

"Hey: what's this right here? I mean, maybe we didn't throw the ship out of orbit or anything, but it wasn't half bad given where we were ten hours ago. And I'm just getting started: I've got big plans for us for at least the next week." This last was said around a massive yawn, and Han concluded, "As soon as I get some sleep."

Leia laughed softly as she pulled him closer. Together they pulled the blankets up and tucked themselves in. Not all of their problems had been put to bed, but it was enough that they were allies again. As long as they were a team, Leia felt no fear of meeting a problem they couldn't face together. Safe in that knowledge and safe in Han's arms, she succumbed to a delicious, dreamless sleep.


End file.
